Since it’s Bi Visibility Day (yay!), here’s a Q&A from our archives about being out and visible as bisexual and handling negative reactions, if they come up. Of course we hope that everyone, regardless of orientation, can live free of jerks making inappropriate comments or assumptions, but when such things do happen it can help to have a game plan in place.
A relationship doesn’t need to be perfect or blissful 24/7 to be healthy or happy, and won’t ever be, because people aren’t perfect or blissed out every waking minute, and relationships are made of people.
Conflicts, disagreements and problems do and will happen. We also won’t always get everything we want or need all the time. People change over time, so something that worked once, or worked one way once, won’t always stay working or keep feeling right, especially if the relationship doesn’t change and grow along with us.
Some relationships stay great despite the occasional problem or hiccup, even a big one now and then. Others won’t survive even little issues or will always have more conflict than harmony. Some conflicts can be managed and resolved while staying in a relationship; others can’t, won’t or maybe even shouldn’t be, like if people want and need very different things. Some relationships are worth staying in and working through conflict, while staying in others may not be worth the energy and time, or may hurt everyone more by staying than by parting ways.
Deciding if it’s best to stay or go can be a hard choice, but certain dynamics or feelings make clear a relationship is either likely to be worthwhile and good or likely to be crummy, a poor place to keep investing energy and will probably crash and burn, no matter what.
I've heard that female condoms aren't as good at keeping sperm in as male ones. Is this true?
Sorry I didn’t answer this on Global Female Condom Day. I’m a jerk.
The FC2 is made of nitrile, which is just as effective at keeping in sperm as latex, polyisoprene, polyurethane, or lambskin. Nitrile even has a higher puncture resistance than latex!
The reason they seem to lose effectiveness is because people don’t use them correctly. The FC2 has to be twisted post coitus but while it’s still inside the body to keep sperm from coming out of the open O-ring entrance. When used properly, the effectiveness of the FC2 is the same as a external, or male condom.
Not one single hurtful thing ever got changed by someone grinning and bearing it.
Hurtful things changed because people have said ‘That hurts me. Stop.’
And every time you try to silence someone and tell them that they shouldn’t be hurt, shouldn’t be offended, shouldn’t choose this battle, that this isn’t important and that other things are more important - you are serving the hurtful rather than the hurt.
“It is not possible to be truly balanced in one’s views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance. To him, that means you see the couple’s problems as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse.”—
"Why Does He Do That: Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft
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While life gets better for millions of gays, the number of homeless LGBT teens - many cast out by their religious families - quietly keeps growing.
This is actually a really, really well done article. long but absolutely worth the read. So glad that a magazine as big as Rolling Stone is publishing content saying, “Hey, people, we may be patting ourselves on the back about marriage equality these days but there are much bigger issues still being swept under the rug.”
The huge amount of pressure on young girls to let their boyfriends get away with everything and not to stand up for themselves, lest they stop being a ‘chill girlfriend’ and instead become a horrible, controlling harpy is such bullshit.
Stop teaching young girls that demanding to be treated with respect and courtesy makes them shrill, over-emotional, or unworthy of listening to.
Teachers are often unaware of the gender distribution of talk in their classrooms. They usually consider that they give equal amounts of attention to girls and boys, and it is only when they make a tape recording that they realize that boys are dominating the interactions. Dale Spender, an Australian feminist who has been a strong advocate of female rights in this area, noted that teachers who tried to restore the balance by deliberately ‘favouring’ the girls were astounded to find that despite their efforts they continued to devote more time to the boys in their classrooms. Another study reported that a male science teacher who managed to create an atmosphere in which girls and boys contributed more equally to discussion felt that he was devoting 90 per cent of his attention to the girls. And so did his male pupils. They complained vociferously that the girls were getting too much talking time.
In other public contexts, too, such as seminars and debates, when women and men are deliberately given an equal amount of the highly valued talking time, there is often a perception that they are getting more than their fair share. Dale Spender explains this as follows:
“The talkativeness of women has been gauged in comparison not with men but with silence. Women have not been judged on the grounds of whether they talk more than men, but of whether they talk more than silent women.”
In other words, if women talk at all, this may be perceived as ‘too much’ by men who expect them to provide a silent, decorative background in many social contexts.
“I tell my students, ‘When you get these jobs that you have been so brilliantly trained for, just remember that your real job is that if you are free, you need to free somebody else. If you have some power, then your job is to empower somebody else. This is not just a grab-bag candy game.”—Toni Morrison (via aranrhod)
“According to Soraya Chemaly, ‘The number one cause of death for African American women ages 15-34 according to the American Bar Association: homicide at the hands of a partner.’ It’s bigger than Ray Rice; it’s bigger than the NFL and the Ravens. This is about patriarchy and masculinity; it’s about those who cite ‘mitigating circumstances,’ who blame the victim, who justify ‘boys will be boys,’ who systemically detract from the deadly issue of domestic violence. ‘But in a world in which one in four women (recent surveys reveal a number closer to 1 in 3) is the victim of intimate partner violence and black women are disproportionately targeted, this victim blaming is not just irresponsible; it is lethal,’ writes Hannah Giorgis. ‘Black women are punished when attempting to defend themselves: 94% of black female homicide victims are killed by people they know and 64% of those victims are wives, ex-wives or girlfriends of their killers.’”—David J. Leonard and Monica J. Casper, “Rotten to the Core: The NFL and Domestic Violence” (via sonofbaldwin)
Thousands of parents have just sent their kids off to college in America ,releasing them to an exciting new social and educational environment where new students experience a heightened risk of being sexually assaulted, where dozens of schools are being investigated for mishandling campus rape cases, and where one Ivy…
Our anti-adultist edits to that intro could we have made them: thousands of young people have just begun college and are entering an exciting new social and educational environment….
“The idea of painless, nonthreatening coercion is an illusion. Fear is the inseparable companion of coercion, and its inescapable consequence. If you think it your duty to make children do what you want, whether they will or not, then it follows inexorably that you must make them afraid of what will happen to them if they don’t do what you want. You can do this in the old-fashioned way, openly and avowedly, with the threat of harsh words, infringement of liberty, or physical punishment. Or you can do it in the modern way, subtly, smoothly, quietly, by withholding the acceptance and approval which you and others have trained the children to depend on; or by making them feel that some retribution awaits them in the future, too vague to imagine but too implacable to escape.”—John Holt, in How Children Fail(And this all goes for ANYONE, y’all.)