(hell, yeah) Scarleteen

I have a boyfriend been dating for about a year next week. We are deeply and truly in love even though we’re not even 16. People say you can’t really be in love at our age, but I believe you can be. Recently, I said no to sex, so I guess I pushed all the wrong buttons and this is what he said:

“I’m so [f-word]ing tired, I don’t want to climb a ladder. I just want you but I can’t [f-word] you and I have no weed any more, and [f-word] why do we need to [f-word]ing wait? I feel like I’m 12. I’m a [f-word]ing caged lion. I mean, I’m just angry, you know I haven’t had sex in a [f-word]ing year and I’m so horny! [F-word]!”

He used to smoke weed but he stopped cause I didn’t approve. I’m thankful he made that change but now I feel pressured into having sex with him. I lost my virginity to a big ass sleazy guy and then kept having sex with other men, they really were mean telling me I wasn’t good enough but with this current boyfriend, he is different. I made him wait 9 months to hook up in general and he actually did wait, and he also said this, which made me think:

“You said you had sex with your past boyfriends. Why am I different? I’m not trying to push you but I’m finding it hard. That stuff is only gunna bring us closer. It hurts me when you don’t want to get close to me. I feel like you don’t want me.”

He thinks it will bring us closer, but really, it may physically, but I think it will screw us up emotionally. I just don’t wanna have sex with him and then it to be bad and ruin what we currently have, but then I wanna have sex with him cause I love him and I feel like he is the one. I know you’re thinking “Were those other men the one?” They weren’t. I was different back then. I actually think before I do things these days: I was probably the age of 8 when I lost my virginity and I have come far from there, I haven’t had sex in 3 years, I came back to god and I said I was sorry and repented extra. I don’t plan on waiting til marriage but I don’t want to rush things and just put out cause he tells me to. I seriously don’t know what to do with this situation. Any advice?

I think that if you just take a good, long look at what you posted here, your own post and experience tells you all you need to know. I also think it’s clear you already know what your soundest choice is here, and all you probably need from me is some support in making the choice it sounds like you already want to. Ideally, the people who say they love us would always be doing that. But I’m happy to stand-in, since that’s obviously not happening here.

I didn’t edit some of your post the way I did, with those f-words changed from the original way you typed them, to censor you or to be a snot. I edited it because the way he was saying some of that was so aggressive and, in my view, violent, that I worried it’d upset a lot of other readers, and might trigger readers who had survived verbally abusive relationships, because this is some of what verbal abuse can sound like.

It’s clear what he’s said had an impact on you. My biggest worry is that it isn’t clear enough. Given what my job is, it takes a lot to shock me, but when I read what he’d said to you? I found myself short of breath. My heart is still kind of pumping hours later, and not in a good way. In a way where I’m worried about you, and I’m feeling pretty upset on your behalf.

I don’t think I can be delicate in saying this, so I’m just going to go ahead and blurt it out: this guy is being a huge jerk. In fact, if he often says the kinds of things he’s saying here, he may not just be behaving like a jerk with this, he may be big time bad news, period. You said a previous sexual partner of yours was a “big ass sleazy guy.” Based on this post, it’s sounding to me like this person is, too. You say you’ve had sex with other men who were mean. This guy sounds pretty mean to me. I think he may be a lot less different than you think he is from those other folks.

This guy is not a “caged lion.” While I’m a fan of all the animals in the animal kingdom, this guy sounds more like those monkeys you sometimes see in cages at the zoo who throw poop than he sounds like a king of the freaking jungle…

Read the rest here.