(hell, yeah) Scarleteen

cookie127 asks:

My boyfriend has a problem with sex, I know him very well and I know he’s not just being a guy. He likes to play around a lot but he’s very iffy about me touching him. I don’t know how to help this or what to do. He did have a really terrible experience when he was younger but he’s had long term relationships and he has slept with other women but only 2. He wants to have sex we’ve tried it once but he got too nervous about it and pulled away I don’t know how to handle this situation?

Heather Corinna replies:

I don’t know what “just being a guy” means. I’m not messing with you; it’s just that boys and men, like girls, women, and everyone else, vary so much. There’s just no one way guys behave. Who a guy is and how he behaves have more to do with the person he is, and the whole of his life, than they likely do with his gender or his gonads.

Unfortunately, a lot of people have the idea that men are more innately or biologically comfortable with sex than are women. But that’s a gender stereotype that often doesn’t hold water, one that many men feel they have to live up to. Like all stereotypes, it  doesn’t necessarily reflect real behavior, feelings, and experiences. The idea that men are more comfortable with sex puts pressure on them to behave in ways that might not feel right to them, and don’t benefit anyone.

The idea that there is a set of “rules” for one group of people and a radically different set for another group usually implies a double standard. Let’s understand right out of the gate that the dynamics in a situation like this aren’t different for guys than for girls. I’m also assuming that you care about this person, and that you not only want to have a sex life you enjoy, but also one that’s positive and safe for both of you.

Sometimes we want to do things for which we may not be ready. Sometimes we don’t know yet what we need, or don’t feel able to voice those needs, especially in a high-stakes situation. Having any kind of sex with a partner is a high-stakes situation for most people.

Sex is almost always an experiment, even with a long-term partner. If it becomes routine, people can become unsatisfied or uninterested mighty quickly. In our sexual experiences, we’re often going to be surprised by ourselves or others. We can’t always anticipate how something is going to feel, especially before we try it. When I say “before we try it,” I don’t mean just once. I mean every time. Too often, people frame sexual “first times” as the only time sex is experimental, dismissing the fact that sex never really stops being experimental.

People in a sexual partnership should know that it’s always okay and no big whoop to pull back from anything at any time. They should let their partners know that they’ll do their best to avoid making snap judgments. For instance, you’re not going to figure that if your boyfriend pulls back, he’s less of a man. This is an oppressive cultural message that few men have been able to avoid. And you’re not going to assume that he doesn’t love you or find you attractive, or anything else like that, right? I hope you just said yes to that question. Does he know that? If not, reassure him, and he should reassure you of the same kinds of things…

Read the rest at RH Reality Check here.