(hell, yeah) Scarleteen

Kyra asks:

I am 22 years old and have been with my one and only boyfriend for over 2 1/2 years now. I love him very much and we get along well, but our sexual life has always had problems. These are the main issues: 1) I cannot orgasm except through the use of a vibrator, 2) I’m often not interested in sex/don’t really feel anything enjoyable from sex, and 3) I never initiate anything, which makes my boyfriend very frustrated. We’ve been having sex for about 2 years now, and these issues are as much of a problem as they were when we first started. Regarding the problem #1 (no orgasm except with vibrator), my boyfriend has tried everything. He will pleasure me for long periods of time, try to make me feel sexy, but NOTHING happens—I don’t even come close to orgasming (in fact, I usually just get sore from the contact). I’ve tried to pleasure myself, but this is even worse—I hate the feeling of masturbating and don’t derive any pleasure from it. When we discovered that I CAN orgasm via a vibrator, we were both thrilled; however, it usually takes me a good 15-25 minutes to orgasm from the vibrator (on the highest setting), and the orgasm usually lasts only a few seconds—it just feels like a lot of work for barely any result to me. Because I’m not interested in sex very often and I cannot orgasm via penetration or manual stimulation, my boyfriend believes I’m not sexually attracted to him and is quite upset. I don’t know what to do and it is ruining our relationship. I am religious and come from a home schooled background where sex was not talked about much, and so I often feel awkward when my boyfriend tries to discuss it with me (and going to a sex therapist is out of the question).

Heather Corinna replies:

I don’t think a relationship can be ruined by a person not having the kind of sexual responses, sexual feelings, desires or sexuality a partner wants.

Unless. Let’s say people in a relationship with those things going on won’t accept that that person, try as they might (or not, if they don’t want to try), just can’t give the other those things, and they both don’t stop trying so hard, don’t stop pushing, and won’t just figure out what kind of relationship is a sound fit for them and go for whatever that kind of relationship is instead. A relationship can be ruined that way.

Or, if a person not feeling, experiencing or being the way their partner wants them to be sexually can’t or won’t accept themselves in this department, and keeps agreeing to continue to try and do things that just aren’t working for them and don’t feel right; keeps agreeing to a sexual relationship when they’re clearly just not wanting or feeling that themselves: that can certainly ruin a relationship.

If and when we drive ourselves up a tree endlessly trying to be something or someone we are not, to feel things we just aren’t feeling, or to make something happen at a time in life when it just isn’t happening for us, and refuse to put a real limit on that for ourselves and with someone else, that can ruin a relationship, for sure. That can also ruin the relationship we have with ourselves, the most important one of all, as it’s the foundational relationship all our other relationships lie on. If that’s a crappy relationship, then all of our other relationships are very likely to be crappy, too.

In other words, I do think that if you two keep approaching this the way you have been, then yes, you might ruin your relationship, and will probably also both continue to feel worse and worse as the days go by, both about yourselves and about each other. Something has got to give in a situation like this, and give in a way where everyone gets to be nothing else than exactly who they are.

Read the rest at Scarleteen here.