(hell, yeah) Scarleteen

“Do you have any children…?”

It’s such a typical question to ask someone, and for many it’s an easy yes or no answer. For me though, I consistently find myself hesitating to respond. Generally when speaking to strangers, casual acquaintances, and even new friends, I opt to answer “no.”

On occasion, I brave the consequences and answer the truth: “Yes, I’m a birthmother.”

This, of course, has to be followed by an explanation that I once was pregnant and chose to place my child in an open adoption, that I have a close relationship with my now 12-year-old daughter and her adoptive family; essentially, I am a mother, I have a child, but I am not parenting.

My decision to plan an adoption did not come instantly, nor did it come out of any disapproval of abortion. Early in my pregnancy, my daughter’s birthfather and I were deeply in love and felt that despite our age, limited resources and our families’ disapproval, that we could parent. We didn’t want to consider other options at that time, we just wanted to parent. For nearly eight months, that was the plan I worked towards – that was 8 months of doing all I could to navigate through the world of pending parenthood, but continuously feeling that what I could give emotionally, physically and financially was not enough to be the kind of parent I wanted to be. By the time I came to open adoption, I had explored every possible avenue and option, and I knew with absolute certainty that adoption was the best choice for me, my daughter, and everyone else involved.

The process of choosing a family to parent my child, of meeting and getting to know them, and of working together to plan what our families would look like as we blended them into one was both empowering and reassuring. Granted, the placement of my daughter was decidedly the most difficult and heart-wrenching experience I have had, but it came with equal amounts of joy and excitement, knowing that I would always be a part of her life, watching her grow and thrive, and being included in her family that I respected and admired. Our relationship has grown over the years – her family is my family, our time together is always special and yet totally natural, and my daughter has grown up knowing exactly who I am and what my place is in her life. For my daughter, her brother, her parents, and myself, adoption has created our family, and there is nothing strange, scary, secretive or shameful about it.

So why is it so difficult to talk about my adoption experience (which was amazing, positive, and has continued to feel like the best possible choice I could have made at the time) outside of the adoption community?

Read the rest here.